The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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