He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
