remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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