Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
