I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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