I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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