God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Please don't give away my fajitas
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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