Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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