Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
