Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
