You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
