the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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