I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize