good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
