So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
