i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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