We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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