the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My bed smells like the plague
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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