I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
