I think im going to throw up on grandma
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
