you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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