Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
