i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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