she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
