Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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