If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Is it because I queefed?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
