she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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