it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
