The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
