before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
