i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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