omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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