The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
