We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
