your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
