i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
