And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
