I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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