I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
