this will be a night to untag.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have feelings that need drinking.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
