i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
