he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
