everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
