I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
