Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
