ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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