do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
