she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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