Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
