she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
