I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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