im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
