I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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