Where are you?
In a non slutty way
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
