Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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