i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
