Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize